Finding my way
by JacyntheD
Summary: The love triangle between Sam Swarek/Andy McNally/Luke Callaghan only gets more complicated by the arrival of a new woman in Sam's life. Who will win Sam's heart in the end?
1. Chapter 1

Being noble sucked.

The thought ran through Sam Swarek's mind for the uptenth time that night as he sat watching McNally and Callaghan on the dance floor of the Black Penny. Slow dancing. Sam took another swig of his beer bottle only to find it empty.

He looked at the barkeeper and signaled for another one even though his heart screamed for something stronger.

That should have been him holding Andy tenderly in his arms, swaying softly to the music. Shit! That would probably be him if he'd followed his heart on the drive from Sudbury and made his move. He'd been looking into those big beautiful eyes, telling her about his sister – of all the unlikely things for him to be doing – and it had been on the tip of his tongue to ask her out. She and Callaghan had been on the outs so any advance on his part wouldn't have been poaching… per se. Yet, at the last moment, he'd chickened out and instead told her that Luke was a good, dependable guy who was worth her waiting him out.

Of all the asinine things he'd said and done in his years on the force, this one had to take the cake.

"There you go, officer."

Sam barely took his eyes from the dancing couple long enough to acknowledge the bartender and pick up his beer.

_You've been a moron; but you don't need to compound the mistake by mooning over her like a lovesick teenager._

Gah! Not that love word again. It was all Noelle's fault if he was sitting here even just thinking about it. He sure didn't need or want to love McNally. He was her T.O. She was too young and idealistic. And if that wasn't deterrent enough: she was with someone else.

"Are you thinking of going after Callaghan with your baton again?" Noelle asked as if just thinking about her had made her materialize on the seat next to him.

Sam forced a smile he wasn't feeling and resolutely turned his back to the dance floor. "You'll never let me live this one down, will you?"

Noelle leaned toward him so her voice would carry above the din of the bar. "I'm not gonna ask you what went on, Sammy. Your reasons are your own… Just be careful, okay. I would hate to see you get hurt."

Sam struggled for composure under her all-too-seeing eyes. "I don't know what you mean," he said nonchalantly, flashing the Swarek dimples for good measure. "There's no way Callaghan could get the jump on me, even if he says otherwise."

"I'm not talking about Luke Callaghan and you know it. I don't know what's going on between you and your rookie… but it's obvious she's got you tied in knots."

"McNally," Sam jeered. "Why would you think there's something going on there?"

He'd perfected the art of masking his emotions when he'd gone undercover so he knew he appeared relaxed; but everything in him stilled waiting for Noelle's reply.

"Please, don't insult my intelligence. Do I have to remind you the way you begged me to take her to Sudbury for you?" Noelle darted a look behind his shoulder. "I told you I wouldn't ask and I won't. I just…"

Sam waited for the rest of the sentence but knew it wouldn't come when he sensed a presence behind him.

_Andy._


	2. Chapter 2

_Are you out of your mind? Why would you even go near Sam Swarek tonight?_

Andy wished to God she had an intelligent answer to offer her inquisitive mind; but all she could come up with was that it hurt to see him looking so alone. Because even surrounded by a roomful of loud cops only made louder by the copious amounts of liquor they ingested, that was exactly how Sam looked: like a lone island.

_Like the night you walked out on him after the blackout._

Andy barely resisted the urge to groan at the reminder. That night hadn't been her most glorious moment to say the least; and she was still paying in spades for it.

Sure, Luke had forgiven her – even if he didn't seem to trust her as implicitly as he had before the incident – but she on the other hand hadn't managed to forgive herself. It was difficult to accept that she'd become the kind of person who'd discard thoughts of a loved one in favor of a few moments of stolen passion with a near perfect stranger… a perfectly fine stranger.

Except Sam Swarek had never felt like a total stranger to her, far from it. She'd recognized him on some level – not at first, when she'd suspected him of being a murderous drug dealer… but later at the Penny, she'd caught a glimpse of something. Something that reminded her of herself. It was crazy really because she was as different from Swarek as night was from day.

He tended to be dark and brooding whereas she tried to be cheerful. He was the maverick type while she preferred to play it by the book. But at times, he'd go and do something that would totally change the way she viewed him. Like coming to her after the shooting with words of comfort, or admitting he'd become a cop to protect his older sister.

The man was a mystery and for some reason she couldn't fathom, she couldn't seem to get enough of him. She didn't want to be intrigued by him but she was; and what was even worse was that she'd started to care, against her better judgment.

"Did you want something McNally?"

Andy sighed. There was that note of impatience in his voice that always seemed to be there when he addressed her in front of others. Maybe coming to him hadn't been such a good idea after all.

_No, you think?_

"I just wanted to thank you… you know, for talking to Luke."

Sam looked at her without saying a word, as though daring her to say more in front of Officer Williams. Andy felt some of her bravado leave her. "Anyway, that was a very nice thing to do… buddy." Her attempt at levity fell flat and she just stood there wishing she'd resisted the urge to talk to him – or that she could shake him out of his composure.

Sam shrugged and smiled but Andy noticed it never reached his eyes. "That's what pals do. He'd have come around on his own, I just sped up the process some." He pulled a few bills from his wallet and threw them on the bar. "You have a good night McNally," he added before downing the last of his beer and getting up. "Noelle, I'll talk to you tomorrow."

Both women watched him make his way across the bar, exchanging a few words with friends as he passed them. Finally, he reached the door and exited without a backward glance. Andy couldn't tear her eyes from the empty space he'd just vacated even when she felt the weight of Noelle Williams' curious stare on her.

"Apparently this runs both ways," she thought she heard Noelle say before she crossed the room to join Officers Shaw and Best.

Andy shook herself and rejoined Luke at the other end of the bar. While he didn't look too happy about her interaction with Sam, he still remained calm and simply wrapped his arm around her waist. "Are you ready to go?"

"I'm all yours," Andy replied softly and while in her hearts of hearts she knew this to be true, a small rebellious part of her still clamored for Sam Swarek…


	3. Chapter 3

"Ok, listen up coppers of 15," staff sergeant Best belted as he stepped in the bullpen for parade. "As many of you know, it's time for our annual week-long outreach program with the Ontario Network of Sexual Assault & Domestic Violence. This year, we're partnered with the St. Catharines' centre so I'll be sending out three teams to participate in the program…"

"Want to bet Gail is on that list?" Traci asked Andy in an aside.

" Shaw and Epstein, Williams and Nash, and Swarek and McNally… you're this year's lucky winners. You will be meeting with your SATC volunteers at 1100 so this means go home, put a light travel kit together and meet back here in one hour. The rest of you, Officer Swanton will be handing out your assignments. Serve. Protect. And be on time."

Andy looked at Traci with near panic. There had to be some crazy universal conspiracy to throw her and Swarek together at every turn. How else could she explain Gail being benched on this assignment when she'd been first Boyko's and now Best's golden girl.

"If that's a big cosmic joke, I'm just not getting it," Traci said in an almost perfect echo of Andy's thoughts. "And I'm pretty certain Luke is not going to laugh either."

"He's gonna flip and I can't even blame him. No matter what I say or do and no matter how hard I try, I always end up right back where I started… dealing with Sam Swarek." Andy complained emphatically. "I'll be trapped with him for a whole week, probably sleeping in some cheap hotel, feeling like I have to call Luke to prove to him that I'm sleeping alone in my room. And all of that for what - just one lousy mistake that I didn't even go through with?"

"So I guess I'm the only one who kept our thing a secret," Andy heard Swarek say from somewhere behind her shoulder. "Tell me McNally, would you be feeling better now if we'd slept together or is all of this rationalizing just your excuse du jour?"

Andy turned so fast her head spun for a second. Of course, he'd have to be standing within earshot… and true to form whenever she opened her mouth around him, she'd found a way to hurt him with her words.

"Sam…"

He silenced her with a quick slash of his hand. "Nah you know what? Save your breath. You're gonna need it with your boyfriend cause I'm done intervening for you. You're on your own now."

Sam stalked away, his hands clenched tightly at his side. It shouldn't have hurt to hear McNally talk about him as though he'd been nothing but a side of beef she'd missed out buying. He should have just shrugged the comment off and made a quick rebuff that let her know how easily he'd discarded thoughts of her. Better yet, he should have just left the room without letting her and Nash know he'd heard their discussion. Instead, he'd let the hurt seep through his words and given her the means to take another potshot at him. Man, he was sick to death of being 'good-time-Sam', the perpetual notch on a woman's lipstick case…

"Officer Swarek," Andy called out as she followed him out of the bullpen and hurried after him. Sam just kept on walking briskly ignoring the questioning looks around him.

Andy lengthened her stride but she still couldn't catch up to him. "Officer Swarek, if I could just have a minute," she tried again but the stubborn man just kept on ignoring her. "Sam!"

She saw him stop at the end of the corridor, his hand hovering over the exit door handle and his back resolutely to her.

"What is it McNally?"

For the first time, Andy noticed all the curious onlookers – especially one: Jerry Barber, Luke's fellow detective and friend. She hesitated too long.

"You better hurry up to get your stuff because I'm leaving on time… with or without you," Swarek added gruffly before stepping outside.

"Damn it!" Andy swore under her breath. She turned to rejoin Traci and in doing so met Detective Barber's eyes. She was willing to bet he'd tell Luke about her race to catch up to Swarek within the hour. "Damn! Damn! Damn!"

Traci was waiting for her inside the bullpen, her eyes full of sympathy. "I tried to tell you he was behind you but he was quicker than me."

Andy's shoulders slumped. "Do you think you could come up with an explanation to stop Jerry from telling Luke? You know this isn't going to look good and I don't have time to deal with this. I still have to go home to grab my stuff… and so do you."

Traci nodded. "I'll see what I can do about Jerry. But Andy… maybe you should just come clean with Luke and tell him exactly what went on. You remember how it ended the last time you tried to keep a secret."

"Nothing happened," Andy stated.

"Yeah, you also said that then…"

Andy grabbed Traci's upper arm and pulled her aside. "Who's side are you on anyway?"

Traci looked hurt that she'd even ask. "I'm on your side and you know it. Now maybe you could stop sabotaging your relationships for a bit. As you said, we have to get ready for St. Catharines."

"Traci, I'm sorry."

"Whatever. You know Andy, you're not the only one who's got problems and sometimes it would really be nice if you could be as supportive as you want others to be."

"Where did that come from?"

Traci sighed and shook her head. "It probably escaped your notice but Jerry and I haven't spoken in two weeks…"

"I saw you speak to him yesterday," Andy said.

"To tell him I'd found some notes of his and put them on his desk."

"Ah Traci, I'm sorry… I seem to say that a lot today. Let me make it up to you while we're in St. Catharines, okay? We'll just hang out after shift, the two of us, and you can tell me all that happened."

"Deal but we'd better get out of here now or we'll never even make it to St. Catharines to begin with. Now that Best is giving me a chance to get out of the Precinct, I'm not about to screw it up."

"Serve. Protect. And don't screw up." Andy and Traci said in unison.


	4. Chapter 4

Andy risked a sidelong glance at Sam as he maneuvered the squad car onto the 403 at breakneck speed. A look at her watch told her they'd traveled some forty-five kilometers in a mere nineteen minutes – so much for setting the example for other drivers. They'd lost Shaw and Williams ages ago and at the rate they were going, Andy predicted they'd reach St. Catharines in about thirty minutes. She wondered if her nerves could take the strain.

"Are we doing this again – the no talking thing?" Silence was her only answer; in fact, Sam never even took his eyes off the road. "Look, things are still a little strange between Luke and me and he's still working through his trust issues with me."

"Why don't you just try the truth for once McNally? Callaghan isn't the problem here; you're the one not trusting yourself around me."

"You sure don't have low self-esteem issues to work through," Andy sneered, but Sam's words still stung because of their veracity.

"I don't mean in a sexual or romantic manner," Sam added, though his tone implied he'd meant exactly that. "You just can't rationalize everything when I'm there because that's not how I roll and this unnerves you. You need to justify your every action to feel good about them."

Andy turned away from him and looked out her window. "Go ahead Sam, why don't you tell me what you really think?" She heard the note of pain in her voice and wished she could take the words back because there was no way Swarek wouldn't notice it.

Sam swore under his breath. When would he learn to keep his big mouth shut?

"I'm not criticizing you Andy," he said, not even realizing he'd used her first name. "I'm pretty certain you have reasons to feel that way. Being Tommy McNally's kid couldn't have been a walk in the park… But at some point in your life you'll need to realize that all the over thinking you're doing is not protecting you, it's keeping you from fully living your life."

"Keep my dad out of it. And for your information, not that it's any of your business, but I'm living just fine."

"Yeah, I can see that."

Andy's head whipped around. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"There you go over thinking again."

"That, Sam Swarek, is your excuse for everything. If you don't want to answer me or if you say something you can't get yourself out of, suddenly you throw around the 'you're over thinking it McNally' shtick… like it's some kind of conjuring spell or something."

"If it were a conjuring spell, I'd be asking for silence right about now." Sam muttered under his breath, but not low enough to escape Andy's notice.

Andy grinned and turned back to the scenery, even though there wasn't much to see when you were cruising along at 135kmph. "You do realize we don't need to be there for another hour so there's no need for excessive speed."

"This isn't excessive speed. This is me wanting to get this thing set up as soon as possible so you don't have to be trapped with me any longer than is necessary. You should be thankful; after all, I'm doing this for you."

Sam sounded calm and matter-of-fact, but Andy remembered his earlier reaction back at the barn and knew she'd just found an opening to apologize to him.

"I didn't mean it as it came out…"

Sam interrupted her. "You don't need to explain anything."

"Yes I do and for many reasons," Andy countered, once again turning to face him. "One, you're my training officer and we've already discovered that when we let tension come between us, things like Bibby happen."

Sam was hard-pressed to argue that point. "How many reasons are there to your list?"

Andy thought about the question for a minute. "I can only think of three at the moment."

Sam had to laugh. "Wow, **only** three reasons in fifteen seconds flat. You're slacking McNally." He signaled and switched lane to get onto Queen Elizabeth Way W, waiting for Andy's remaining reasons.

"You still need to work on that sense of humor you know."

Sam darted a quick glance at Andy. "Was that part of your three reasons?" He flashed his dimpled smile, unaware of the effect it had on Andy's heart rate.

She cleared her throat before answering. "No, funny guy, that's not part of my reasons to want to apologize. We're friends and what I said hurt you so that's why I think you deserve an explanation and an apology." Andy saw Sam open his mouth and guessed he'd deny everything if given half a chance… so she didn't provide one. "Don't even think of saying it didn't matter or that I imagined the pained tone of your voice."

Sam shrugged uncomfortably. "Why does it matter how I felt? You don't want Callaghan to get the wrong idea about us… but I really think you're actually making things worse by creating such a fuss about essentially nothing."

"Yeah it was nothing… but at the same time, it was something because if the lights hadn't come back on…"

"But they did Andy, and you came back to your senses." Sam felt like such a sucker to give in to the need to defend and protect her once more. He wasn't sure he liked the protective urges Andy McNally evoked in him.

"I guess you're right," Andy ventured tentatively. "It's just been a confusing time and I'm not dealing with it the way I should."

"Don't tell me you've got a procedure for this," Sam motioned jokingly between the two of them, not for one minute doubting that she would answer to the positive.

"Not a procedure, no. But I'm pretty sure I'm handling this thing all wrong, making a mountain out of a molehill, and all those other clichés you're so fond of screwing up."

"Just stop having such high expectations of the way every little thing should be; that's the surest way to drive yourself bonkers. Just live for the moment and make the most out of every day because you just never know when it'll be your last."

Silence descended on the squad car again, but this time it was much more companionable and for once, Andy didn't feel the need to fill it up with empty chatter.


	5. Chapter 5

Sam wanted to sigh with relief when he parked the cruiser and Andy opened her door to step out. Of course, he didn't because with his luck, she'd hear him and nothing would get her talking faster than enquiring about his state of mind. So instead, he closed his eyes and tried to ease the tension in his neck and shoulders.

_She'll be the death of me yet._

It never ceased to amaze him how conflicted he felt about Andy. One minute he wanted to throttle her, and the next it was all he could do not to kiss her senseless until they both tore each other's clothes off – consequences be damned.

This time, Sam groaned. Way to go easing the tension champ!

"Sam, aren't you coming?" Andy asked as she opened the backdoor to get her travel bag.

She couldn't know the images those words conjured up for him – or maybe she knew and was just enjoying tempting him beyond bearing. All Sam knew was that there was no way in hell he'd be able to stand and walk like nothing was wrong.

"You go ahead, I'll be with you in a sec," he said, hating the breathless quality of his raspy voice. There was no way Andy wouldn't notice.

"Are you in pain? Do you need me to get some help?"

Sam heard the worry in her voice and it did something funny to his insides. Yes, he was in pain, but no one could help him but Andy herself. He couldn't give her that kind of power or afford for her to know it.

"I'm alright McNally. I just need a minute or two. Why don't you go ahead and introduce yourself to our assigned volunteer?"

Andy hesitated. "Are you sure? Because I can totally carry you if I have to."

Sam snapped. "Just go, McNally!"

"Fine! No need to bite my head off," Andy huffed. She grabbed her bag and slammed the door to emphasize her own mounting temper.

"Son of a bitch..." Sam slammed the steering wheel in frustration and tried to go after her but his seatbelt kept him firmly in place. He fumbled with the buckle but by the time he finally managed to undo it, he saw that Andy was halfway to the treatment center.

He took a deep steadying breath and let it out slowly. When had his life turned so complicated? He snickered when the answer leapt at him: when Andy McNally had burst through the door of that crappy apt. 301 and proceeded to bust him for murder. That was when his life had turned even more chaotic than usual.

They were like fire and gasoline. There was nothing wrong with that in one's love life; but it was playing havoc with his work and – if he kept that up – possibly with both their lives. So far, he'd been able to have her back and protect her – even from himself – but he didn't know how long that would hold.

What if one day he was so busy obsessing about her that he was one split-second too slow and something happened to her? Or, God forbid, he was so mad at her for rejecting him once again that he let his emotions come in the way of his good judgment and she found herself facing danger on her own? He'd never be able to forgive himself for that and neither would Callaghan.

There was only one solution: he needed to give her up.

The ripping pain in his chest robbed him of breath and Sam truly wondered if he'd ever be able to breathe properly again. If this was what love felt like, Sam was damn thankful he hadn't experienced it before.

His decision made, Sam squared his shoulders and slowly got out of the car. No one looking at him would have any inkling that his heart lay bleeding inside his chest – least of all Andy McNally. He had to make sure of that for both their sake.

He crossed the parking lot with measured steps; his thoughts mercifully shifting away from Andy the closer he got to the center. Sam wondered if his sister Sarah had ever visited it and, if she had, whether or not she found solace behind its walls.

A soft smile spread on his lips when he recalled the obvious welcome in her voice when he'd called earlier and told her he'd be coming to St. Catharines for a week and asked if she'd put him up in her place while he worked in town.

Sam loved his big sister even though he'd often found himself in the role of the protector and not the other way around, growing up. At the tender age of nine, he hadn't grasped what the attack had meant; but he'd understood that something bad had happened. Because Sarah had stopped smiling and had become the shadow of the lively girl she'd been. There had been no more days spent at the park with him, no more trips to the beach… none of the things they'd loved to do together.

Sam remembered Sarah's first night back home after she came out of the hospital clearly, as if it had happened yesterday and not twenty-three years ago. She'd been horribly quiet with tears running down her cheeks most of the time. That had been tough to take for him; but her terrified screams later that night as they slept… that had been worse.

Sam resolutely slammed the door on the old memories and pulled the door of the St. Catherines' Sexual Assault and Domestic Abuse Treatment Center – often referred to by Division as SATC. He remembered a rook a few years back asking Boyko why they called it that instead of SADATC – which would have made more sense to them – but for the life of him, he couldn't remember Boyko's answer.

"Officer Swarek I presume?"

Sam focused back on the present and looked ahead at the woman accompanying McNally. She was about as tall as Andy was; but that was all both women had in common. Where Andy had dark hair and eyes, this woman had reddish blonde hair and eyes that appeared to be the oddest shade of blue he'd ever seen.

_Most probably colored lenses._

And she looked impossibly young; much too young any way to be a counseling volunteer at an assault center.

"That's right, I'm Officer Sam Swarek," he said extending his hand.

"Welcome to St. Catharines and thank you for your involvement in the outreach program. My name is Lindsay Drake and I'm your assigned volunteer this week." Her handshake was firm and belied the illusion of fragility she exuded.

Up close, Sam could see a smattering of freckles on her nose and that surprised him. He couldn't think of a single woman he'd known or dated that hadn't used tons of makeup to hide those. "You have freckles," his mouth said before his brain interrupted.

Luckily, Ms. Drake didn't seem to take offense and simply laughed. "How very observant of you Officer Swarek; I already feel safer."

Sam felt heat suffuse his cheeks and looked around, trying to find a safe way to remove his foot from his mouth; but he only encountered Andy's angry stare. If he hadn't had a stern talk with himself back in the cruiser, Sam would have been tempted to think she was jealous… Truth was she was probably just still smarting from his snappy words back in the car.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that," Sam offered dully, not realizing he still held her hand until she pulled it from his loose grasp.

_What the hell's the matter with you Swarek? Get a grip, you moron!_

"Why not: I do have freckles," Lindsay Drake stated matter-of-factly. "Now as I was telling Officer McNally, we'll be mostly working with teenagers in local high schools; but you can also choose to take part in the group sessions we hold here in the evening. This is not part of the outreach program so feel free to skip it."

"Do you hold meetings every night?" Sam asked.

"No, only three nights a week – on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays – but we usually have between eight to fifteen members each night."

"All different people or do some of them come back all three nights?" Andy asked, trying to focus back on the subject they were discussing and not on the way Sam had been holding Lindsay Drake's hand. What should she care if he wanted to look like a fool?

"It's mostly different people each night, but we do have a person or two that will sometimes attend all three meetings. Some of them have suffered abuse themselves; others are here to get help with their own violent tendencies."

Sam raised a brow. "All those people are sharing a same group? Isn't that a little odd?"

Lindsay nodded. "This is a test-trial we're doing one night a week on Friday. Usually you have a group for victims and a group for 'attackers' for lack of a better word. We're just studying whether or not we'd have better results by mixing both groups. All participants are aware of that when they come in."

"Is it working?" Sam enquired dubiously.

"It's too soon to tell, but so far it hasn't set us back so I take that as being a step in the right direction," Lindsay offered with a smile.

The door to the center opened behind him and Sam turned to see Oliver and Noelle walk in, flanked by Epstein and Nash.

"Why was I never told 1520 ran on jet fuel?" Oliver asked in true Shaw fashion.


	6. Chapter 6

Andy wanted to break something and Lindsay Drake's face would have done just the trick if she let herself have a go at it. It wasn't something she said, it wasn't even something she did… but the way Sam was looking at her was just a bit too persistent for Andy's liking. She told herself for probably the billionth time that she didn't care what Sam Swarek did and with whom, but the terrible pinch in the middle of her chest stole some of the effect from her internal pep talk.

It was because of the bad boy vibe.

Andy McNally always played it safe; it was what kept her little world from coming undone at the seam. Growing up around a father either passed-out drunk or too broken to care about the minute details of life had turned her into an adult well before her time. She'd seen to her father's well-being, paid the bills when he couldn't – in short, she'd been responsible for the lives of two people by the time she was fifteen.

Unfortunately, a repressed fifteen-year-old was exactly what she still was when it came to making decisions about her sentimental life. She wanted to experience the thrill of dating the boy your father warns you about – if your father cared enough to even notice in the first place. Hell, maybe the whole bad boy attraction thing was a way to get your father's attention. Except her dad would never find anything wrong with bad boy Sam Swarek because he actually liked and respected Sam. He never told her but she knew her father well enough to know the signs.

That meant her theory on bad boys was utter crap – or that her reason for liking Swarek too much was something else entirely. It sure as hell wasn't because he'd encouraged her crush. If not for some looks she'd caught when he hadn't expected her to see, she would have thought their connection was one-sided – but the longing in his eyes on those rare occasions had made her believe he returned her unrequited feelings.

Then why was he being such an ass to her, and why had he reacted to Miss-Volunteer-of-the-Year so strongly?

Andy wanted to believe it was some kind of role reversal thing. If she, the good girl, went for bad boys; then maybe Sam, the bad boy, went for good girls. Lindsay Drake undoubtedly fell in that category if the four hours they had spent with her were any indication. She was genuine, friendly, she didn't take herself too seriously and she didn't talk down to the teenagers they crossed path with. In any other circumstance, they might have been friends… except it was very difficult – in fact nearly impossible – to feel friendly when jealousy gnawed at your heart.

"Earth to McNally, do you copy?"

Andy snapped to attention. How long had she been standing there, lost in thoughts?

"Nice of you to join us," Sam drawled, eyeing her curiously. "Lindsay asked if you were ready to stop by your hotel to drop off your stuff and freshen up."

_Oh so now Miss Drake is Lindsay! How… wait a minute! Did he just say _your_ hotel? Not our hotel or the hotel but your…_

"Aren't you staying there too?" she asked a little too quickly to pretend his answer didn't matter. But true to himself, if he noticed, he simply chose not to let it show. Either that or he truly didn't care one way or the other.

"No."

Andy waited for him to elaborate but he just left it at that and turned to look at a collage of pictures on the wall. She wanted to kick him for the way his dismissal made her feel – not that she would – but God how she wanted to! Apparently, the 'didn't care' option had the winning hand.

The discreet sound of someone clearing her throat reminded Andy she still had to answer Lindsay's question. "That would be nice, thank you."

"So why don't I... euh…leave you and Officer Swarek to discuss the details. I mean, I know you both shared the same squad car so if you both stay in different locations," Lindsay's voice dropped to nothingness when both Sam and Andy looked at her. "Alright, I'll just be over there," she added quickly, pointing to the other end of the hall mere seconds before heading there.

"What was that?" Andy asked Sam.

"What's your problem?" Sam asked at the same time.

The question raised Andy's hackles. "What's _my_ problem? I'm not the one tripping over my own feet trying to get close to Miss-Perfect over there. Just like I'm not the one who commented on her freckles. Could you be any more obvious Sam?"

Sam's eyes hardened and he took a step to close the distance between them. "You wanna talk about obvious? How about the way you've been staring daggers at her since we got here? Or the way you've ignored all of her overtures and just stood there like a damn statue. What's the matter Andy: you don't like to have competition?"

Andy's reaction was visceral: her hand lifted of its own volition and would have connected with Sam's cheek if he hadn't caught her wrist – hard. "Don't you ever try that again," Sam growled low, his eyes like glittering diamond. "I'm not your whipping boy Andy."

Andy tried to free her hand but his hard fingers biting into her wrist anchored her in place. "Let go of me or I swear I'll make a scene." The words were ridiculous and they both knew she would never go through with the feeble threat.

"I'm tired of your little game of hot and cold. You can't crawl all over me when you get an itch Callaghan can't scratch and then run back to him when it suits you and your damn fairy tale prospect."

Andy felt tears rush to the surface and tried to regain control of her emotions, but a single tear rolled down her cheek. She squashed it with an angry swipe of her free hand.

Sam realized he'd gone too far and said too much. He forced himself to release Andy and took a step back, along with a deep steadying breath. Damn! He hadn't meant to come down on her so hard! "Andy…"

"Don't you Andy me, you self-righteous son of a bitch. You think you know everything because you're big, bad Sam Swarek. Well let me tell you something, buddy," Andy spat the last word. "You don't even come close to knowing the first thing about me."

Sam shoved his hands in his pockets. "That's where you're wrong: I know you better than you know yourself McNally. You think you want a quiet and sedate life and you're hedging your bet that Luke Callaghan's the right guy to provide you with that. And yeah, Callaghan _is_ all that, but I've seen you in action Andy and you're gonna shrivel up with quiet and steady… You need action, someone to challenge you."

"And of course you're that someone, right Sam?"

"I could be…"

"Right," Andy mocked, "because that big crash-and-burn trash-talk session was such a big turn-on for me there."

"I didn't…"

"Save your breath Sam; I think you've said more than enough already. And you can keep the car; I'll hitch a ride to the hotel with Noelle and Traci."

Sam watched Andy do what she did best: walk away from him. And this time he couldn't even blame her for it…


	7. Chapter 7

_Stay out of this one Lindsay-girl. Don't even think about getting involved in yet another mess you'll feel you need to help clean up._

Yet, just as her brain was busy arguing its case, Lindsay's feet carried her over to Officer Swarek's side. He looked so forlorn, like many of the adolescents she worked with – even when they tried to hide it behind miles of attitude. It should have felt like second nature to offer him help – and to some extent, it was just like that – but the flicker of attraction she'd felt for the Officer when they'd shaken hands made everything a little alien to her.

She didn't fall for good guys on a principle – not because she thought good guys were boring or sub-standard, but because of who she was. She'd known for quite some time now that Lindsay Drake – the girl with the shattered past – was just as broken and defective as her long history. There was no need to add to her list of sins by dragging an innocent into the sordid mess.

As she got closer to Officer Swarek, she assessed him. No one looking at him would ever think to call him innocent, but there was no denying that he belonged to the good-guy club. He wasn't particularly tall – maybe 5'11", but he had a presence that would make it damn-near impossible for him to disappear in the woodwork. His shoulders weren't overly broad either but the rolled-up sleeves of his uniform shirt showed some very impressive arms – arms that made a woman sit up and take notice.

She'd noticed alright!

"Will you be okay?" she asked as she reached his side, keeping her hands firmly tucked away at her side.

Sam nodded and smiled stiffly. "Nothing a good night's rest won't cure."

"I meant the two of you. Will you guys be okay?" Lindsay wasn't deterred by the closed look in his eyes when he leveled his stormy gaze on her. "I'm sorry but you were both broadcasting very strong emotions rather hard to miss in close confines."

Sam resisted the urge to swear. He had to get a better handle on this thing with McNally or there was a very real danger that one or both of them would lose their job over this…thing…between them. Snapping at Lindsay Drake wouldn't solve his problem, especially when she was just an innocent bystander.

"I'm the one who should be apologizing to you," Sam sighed, shoving a hand through his hair. "Officer McNally and I usually handle our differences of opinion better than this."

Lindsay opened her mouth to say that had looked more serious than mere disagreements but thought better of it. If Officers Swarek and McNally wanted to pretend there was nothing going on between them, who was she to butt in?

"Well, alright then," she instead said, feeling uncomfortable. "Do you need to call someone to pick you up? I'm sure you'd like nothing better than a change of clothes at this point."

Sam felt Lindsay's unease and tried to inject some much-needed humor to the situation. "Is this your subtle way of telling me I smell?"

"What… NO!" Lindsay stuttered feeling the heat of embarrassment tinge her cheeks, but then she noticed the glint of amusement in his warm dark eyes. "You… That was so wrong, Officer Swarek," she laughed.

"Sam." At the look of incomprehension that entered her eyes, Sam added. "My name's Sam, not Officer."

Lindsay shook her head at his weird brand of humor. "I never thought your name was Officer, despite the blond hair."

Sam laughed. "You've been giving me Officer Swarek since we introduced ourselves this morning so I wasn't even sure you caught my name earlier. And seeing as I already commented on your freckles once today, I guess that makes us almost friends by now, no?"

Lindsay hesitated so long to answer that Sam felt his smile slip a notch or two. "Or not," he mumbled under his breath as he turned his head to look at the wall of photos.

Lindsay reached a tentative hand to touch his arm. "Sam, it's not you – it's me. I don't do friendship well. Hell, I don't do trust too well either for that matter; which is probably why those kids can relate to me. I was them growing up. I _still_ am."

She could have wept when Sam's eyes – devoid of even the barest hint of emotion – came to rest on her. If ever she'd needed confirmation that she should stick to her principles, this moment would have cemented her resolve.

Sam carefully lifted her hand off his forearm and took a step back. "I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable Miss Drake," he smiled crookedly. "So yeah, back to work… You do have an easy rapport with those kids; it's quite evident in the way they react to you."

_You did the right thing Lindsay. Could have handled it a little better, but your heart was in the right place._

Then why was she feeling so lousy about the whole thing? The answer to that was easy: it was the same reason that had brought her to his side minutes ago. Damn her bleeding heart to hell; she couldn't just be happy rescuing stray animals, now she had to go and take in Sam Swarek and his haunting loneliness?

"I said I didn't handle friendships well, not that I couldn't handle having friends at all. You just might need a healthy dose of patience and a thick skin Swarek because I'm not an easy person to be friends with."

Sam took in her delicate features, the width of her narrow ribcage and then studied her bone structure. Even if she were spitting mad, what real damage could she cause? His eyes moved up her petite frame to her face and took in the stubborn set of her jaw and the dancing flames in her eyes. Oh yeah, she could prove a real danger to him, alright.


	8. Chapter 8

"So Sammy was talking to a real looker when I picked him up at the center earlier," Nathan Paletti told his wife as he sat down for dinner. "But he refused to tell me her name even after I asked twice," he added, only amused by the mock glare he received from his brother-in-law.

"Nu-huh, you only asked me who the _babe_ was," Sam replied as he put some mashed potatoes on his plate. "I thought Sarah would have weaned you out of this bad habit by now. Hasn't anyone told you it's un-PC to call a beautiful woman a babe?"

"If they did, they had about as much success as the ones who surely had the talk with you about tattling to your big sister," Nate fired back just as quickly, undaunted.

Sarah smiled at the easy banter between her baby brother and her husband of the last three years. She'd wondered how the two of them would get along – she and Nathan had only visited with Sam a handful of times since their wedding day – but it was easy to see her worries had been for nothing. Something was telling her even if they'd hated each other on sight, they'd have put up a front to keep from disrupting her world. She loved them for that even if at times it made her feel like she was thirteen years old all over again…

"Sarah, are you okay?" Sam asked softly when she failed to jump into the conversation. The ever-present concern etched on his handsome face was nearly her undoing. She hadn't been okay in such a long time, but her brother didn't need to know that.

"Of course I'm okay. I have my two favorite men in the world here in the same room," Sarah answered as she took her seat. "So don't keep us guessing: who was she?"

Sam groaned, "Not you too! Her name is Lindsay Drake and she is a volunteer at the Assault Center."

"I already know she's pretty because Nate said so, but is she single? How long have you known her and should I expect her over for dinner sometime soon?"

"Woah slow down, would you? I just met her today and yes, she is pretty… from what I gathered she is single, and no – you shouldn't expect her for dinner anytime soon. She's just a colleague for the duration of my stay here."

Sam didn't miss the speculative look on his sister's face, nor the smothered laugh coming from Nate's side of the table. "Hmm interesting," Sarah mused as she cut a piece of her steak. "You already gathered info on her marital status… I'm starting to think I should invite her over myself for drinks one night."

"Why in heaven's name would you do that?"

"Because it's obvious you like her or you wouldn't have bothered with whether or not there was someone in her life. So I'm guessing maybe you're just gun shy about asking her out…"

Nate choked on his sip of water and Sam just gawked at Sarah while he digested this bit of info. "You think I'm _shy_?"

"What else could possibly stop you from asking her out? You're single and aren't seeing anyone… are you?" she asked when a distinct flush crept up her brother's neck. "Oh my God, you _are_ seeing someone. Who is she and how come you've never told me about her?"

"God Sarah," Sam groaned pushing his plate, suddenly no longer hungry.

"What? I can't be interested in my baby brother's life?"

The hurt undertone in Sarah's voice was Sam's undoing and guilt quickly replaced his uneasiness at the discussion. So what if it meant discussing McNally and their almost-hookup – for the first time ever Sarah was taking an interest in his life, the way any big sister would…

"Andy." Sam heard the huskiness in his voice and cleared his throat before continuing, "Her name is Andy and I haven't told anyone about her. It's kind of… complicated."

"Complicated how? She's not married, is she?"

"Wow, glad to know you think I could hook up with a married woman," Sam winced because while technically untrue, Andy had still been seeing Callaghan the night of the blackout.

"Sam."

It was only one word, but the note of warning in Nate's voice was enough to get Sam's hackles up… until he noticed the way Sarah seemed to huddle into herself and toyed with her food.

"I'm sorry. That's not what I meant… Forget I said anything," she finished softly, pushing away from the table and walking to the sink with her plate.

Sam swallowed the curses on the tip of his tongue and counted to ten. He'd forgotten how it felt to constantly walk on eggshells around his sister.

"Sarah…"

Sam saw his sister scrape the food into the trash bin and turn to the sink, her intent to avoid any form of unpleasantness clear in every line of her body. Just as he knew it would, the sound of his chair scraping across the linoleum floor made her jump.

"Sarah, sweetheart… Look at me." He walked slowly towards Sarah, making sure not to crowd her or touch her while she had her back to him – any sudden movement would send her in a panic in her present fragile state. "Please?"

It took her a minute or two, but she finally turned around – even if she refused to meet his eyes as she did. Armed with his years of practice, Sam kept up the silence and waited her out, prompting Sarah to look up at him in the end.

"You know I'm not really mad at you, right?" Sam kept the agitation out of his voice and spoke to her in a low, gentle tone. When she nodded, Sam took one small step forward. "And you also know I could never do anything to hurt you even if I did get mad, don't you?"

Sam sent a small prayer of thanks when Sarah once again nodded. Weighing his words carefully in his mind, Sam took the last remaining step and reached out a tentative hand to his sister. "You never have any reason to be afraid of me Sarah even if I am hurt or angry and react a little too strongly at times. Because I'd sooner cut off my arms than to ever lay a hand on you, sweetheart."

Silent tears tracked down Sarah's cheeks. "I'm sorry Sammy."

"Shhh, it's okay. Come here," he crooned softly to her, feeling the familiar anguish he'd grown up with settle in the pit of his stomach. Things would never get any easier, but she was his sister and he still felt the need to make her world better – if only for a little while.

With his back to Nate and his arms wrapped around his sister, Sam allowed himself one tiny minute to grieve for the relationship he'd never have with his sister… and then he set himself to the impossible task of making Sarah laugh.


	9. Chapter 9

Lindsay Drake was a keen observer of human nature – she'd had to be in order to survive growing up on the streets. That acquired skill was still a part of her and, years later, she still found ways to put it to good use at the center. She didn't need a fancy degree to know when someone in her group was lying, she only had to really look at them: their body language always screamed what they tried so hard to hide from her prying eyes.

Except tonight, her attention kept straying to Sam Swarek and the shadows in his eyes that hadn't been there even just two hours before. She was aware she should have been focusing on her group instead of daydreaming about the gorgeous cop, yet she couldn't seem to make herself stop, which only enraged her.

_Come on Linds, cheer up: you're not the only one looking at mister Dark & Dangerous…_

Lindsay bit back a curse as the thought crossed her mind. She was in way over her head and nothing in her life had prepared her for this kind of situation. She'd spoken the truth when she'd told Sam she had trust issues and didn't let people get close to her; but now she was discovering just how much she hated that Officer McNally didn't seem to have her hang-ups.

It was so utterly stupid to get possessive over a guy she'd just met, who was entirely too good for her, and who had something going on with his pretty brunette of a partner, as evidenced by the sparks she'd witnessed. Apparently. her brain had softened when she'd traded the streets for easy street.

_That's enough bullshit for one evening, girl. Focus!_

Her stern self-admonishment finally managed to break her out of her musings and bring her back to the present and her surroundings. The room was starting to fill with most of her usual Monday group members but Sam and McNally's presence seemed to make them nervous…especially Sam's.

To the eight teenagers – all ranging from age fourteen to nineteen and all having suffered some kind of abuse – Sam Swarek probably looked more menacing than exciting. It _might_ have been different if he'd worn his uniform but the low-slung jeans and tight black t-shirt he had on – while doing a number on her rampant hormones – did very little to soften his image. She should have thought about that sooner…

"Hey Ms. D…"

Lindsay turned her head at the softly spoken words. Whitney – the owner of the voice – was a petite seventeen-year-old with mousy brown hair and big guarded eyes that seemed to have lived about a hundred years. As far as Lindsay could tell, she would have been pretty if she hadn't tried so hard to make herself disappear inside clothing five times too big.

"Hello Whitney. I wasn't sure I'd be seeing you tonight."

Whitney toyed with her hair trying to cover her eyes with her bangs in order to avoid looking straight at her. "I almost didn't come… but then I thought about what you said last week and… well I thought I could give this another shot."

"Well I'm glad you did and I'm sure you'll find that was a good decision."

"Maybe…"

Whitney definitely didn't sound too certain about attending further meetings but Lindsay knew if she could find the chink in her armor tonight, she'd have won half the battle.

"Hey shy girl, you made it." Kerry – the group's second youngest member – had taken to calling Whitney that ever since their first encounter a few weeks back.

Lindsay thought that, while it was an accurate name, pretty much everyone would appear shy to the brash fifteen-year-old. She waited to see how Whit would react to Kerry's loud-mouthed attitude and was shocked to see a tentative smile play over her lips.

_Well, I'll be damned…_

"Ms. D, who's the dude over there?" Kerry asked, her dark eyes aimed straight at Sam Swarek.

"Yeah I was gonna ask that too," both chimed in Kristina and Cathy as they gathered close. "He's not a counselor, is he?" continued Kristina in a worried tone. "Because we're just getting used to you and I don't think I could talk to a guy counselor."

"Me neither," echoed all the rest of the girls. Valentina – their youngest assault victim at fourteen – looked especially worried about that.

"You don't have to worry girls, I'm not going anywhere," Lindsay reassured them, looking at each of the eight girls to convey that quiet certitude. "You remember I said the Center had been chosen to be part of a special outreach program?"

"Something to do with the popo, right?" Kerry asked, still eyeing Sam carefully.

Lindsay was certain she saw Sam's lips twitch in amusement but he still ignored the girls to give her time to explain his presence – as if sensing their distress, which he probably did since he seemed to have put in a fair amount of years on the force.

"Yes Kerry, something to do with the _police_, and that dude as you so aptly put it is one of the nice police officers participating in the program."

"He doesn't look all that nice," muttered one of the teen under her breath. If she'd had to venture a guess, Lindsay would have said the comment came from Elizabeth. She was the oldest of the group at nineteen, and had an already impressive rap sheet for someone her age.

"I don't know… he sorta looks nice… and sad," Whitney ventured shyly to everyone's surprise.

Lindsay smiled. "He is nice, and so is the other officer with him. So why don't we all take a seat and introduce ourselves? I'll even get the ball rolling if that eases up some of your worries." That got her everyone's attention – even Sam Swarek's.

The girls all looked at one another in silent questioning and Lindsay knew that even if only one of them didn't feel comfortable with that plan of action they would all band together and refuse to cooperate as long as the cops were in the room.

"A'ight, Ms. D… we can go with that," Kerry finally spoke up.

It was becoming increasingly clear to Lindsay that the group had elected her as spokesperson – which could be either good or very bad for Kerry's own healing. Only time would tell.

"Okay girls, go take your seats and I'll go get the officers."

"No need to go get 'em, "Kerry grinned. "Yo popo, you can stop eavesdropping and come sit with us so we can all sing Kumbaya while holding hands."

Lindsay muffled a groan but Sam Swarek only laughed as he eased up from his chair. "It's not eavesdropping when you can't help but hear a conversation," he grinned.

"That's cop reasoning 101 if I ever heard it," Elizabeth snickered to Kristina as they took two adjacent seats in the circle.

Sam heard her but didn't acknowledge the comment and discreetly shook his head no when he saw Andy react out of the corner of his eye. She caught his drift because she kept silent as well and took the seat beside him.

Lindsay waited until everyone was seated before she walked to her chair at the front center of the circle – which meant she'd be facing Swarek and McNally all evening. That would be a lot of fun when she told her story…

"Okay then. Before we start, you should all know tonight will not be different because Officers Swarek and McNally are here. Anything you say here is strictly confidential and you don't have to censor what you say – I'm pretty certain they've heard it all and can take it. Right, Officer Swarek?"

"Tonight, we're just Sam and Andy; we're not cops so talk as freely as you would if we weren't here."

"No offense sir but, you're somewhat tough to ignore," Cathy commented, garnering a few nods from the rest of the group. Lindsay could only agree though she had her doubts it was for the same reasons.

"Am I?" Sam asked curiously. "Because I'm a cop or because I'm a man?"

"A little bit of both," Narine – a young Armenian girl of sixteen – said softly.

"The last thing I want to do is make you ladies uncomfortable," Sam said in the quiet tone he always used with Sarah. "If my presence is bothering you, I'll go – it's as simple as that. I won't take it personal, promised."

Lindsay held her breath while the girls mulled over Sam's offer. She had no idea why it felt so vital for her that Sam Swarek be a part of this, but it was. Maybe because she'd planned on telling her own story tonight and she wanted him to hear it so he'd understand why she had nearly refused his offer of friendship earlier… Or maybe it was because she was certain that once he heard her story, he would no longer be interested and would not tempt her into forgetting she didn't go for nice guys, ever…

"I'm okay with you staying," Elizabeth said breaking the silence.

"I'm cool with it too dude," Kerry added.

Narine, Kristina and Cathy added their silent agreement with a simple nod, while Megan and Valentina both offered a tentative "Stay." It all came down to Whitney and whether or not she'd open up if Sam remained with the group.

Whitney bit her bottom lip and twisted the hem of her sweatshirt, wondering if she'd be able to go through with this. He did look nice and he had a quiet voice… but that didn't mean anything. Even the nice and quiet ones could turn nasty, she should know.

"It's okay I'll go," Sam's voice didn't betray an ounce of irritation, if anything it seemed to grow even quieter.

"It's just," Whitney started in a voice that was barely audible, "you'll hear our stories and then you'll just see us as poor little victims… like we're no longer a whole person but just… a victim."

Lindsay's heart squeezed at the pain contained in those few words. She wanted to go to Whitney and hug her, but she knew it wasn't what the girl needed, and she was afraid she'd never find the right words to reassure her.

With his heart tripping overtime, Sam made his way to Whitney's seat and crouched in front of her, keeping a safe distance between them. "Darling, I could never look at any of you as victims, because victims are vulnerable and helpless. You girls are all survivors."

Lindsay froze as his words found a way straight to her heart. She didn't want to make too much of his statement because it was probably a line all cops used on trauma victims. But then again, there had been something in the way he said it… in the tone of his voice… that made her think he truly meant it.

Who in hell was Sam Swarek, and how had he found the words that _all_ of them had needed to hear…


	10. Chapter 10

The expression that entered the girl's eyes as he spoke was so reminiscent of Sarah that Sam feared he wouldn't be able to handle what came next. Each one of these young women had gone through the same hell his sister had and here he was telling them they had survived the worst of it… when earlier tonight he'd come face to face with the battle his sister was still waging twenty-three years after her attack.

But he refused to kill the small glimmer of hope looking back at him in the big brown eyes of the young stranger facing him. So if that meant he had to tough it out and sweat bullets while they recalled the horror of their assault, well that's just what he'd do. He could always get drunk afterwards…

"You really mean that."

The surprised tone in which she said that told Sam a lot: there had probably been a parade of people trying to make her see that what had happened to her had not been her fault, that she'd been an innocent victim of a vicious crime. All things family members and well-meaning people were fond of saying never realizing they were just taking a little bit more power from her every time they said it.

"Of course I do. One thing you have to know about me is I always say what I mean, and mean what I say," Sam declared to the entire group, his eyes traveling the length of the circle. He thought he imagined a muted choking sound only to realize – when his eyes landed on her – that Andy had indeed made the sound.

_She's definitely still pissed at me._

Now was not the time or place to dwell on that even if he'd been so inclined, which he just wasn't tonight. Andy McNally and their fitful relationship – if one could even qualify what they had as a relationship – would just have to wait because he'd had about all the drama he could endure for a day… and the hardest part still loomed ahead.

His stomach roiling in protest at the thought, Sam let his gaze wander over the last half of the circle and searched Lindsay's eyes. He'd half expected her to show some kind of professional interest at the way he'd handled the situation and he'd been ready to downplay it with a wink. Easy and breezy, a way to cut the mounting tension in his body… except her eyes held nothing resembling professionalism, or interest for that matter. She looked shell-shocked and her brilliant blue eyes held shadows that Sam hadn't noticed during any of their previous conversations.

Rising from his crouching position, Sam took an involuntary step toward her only to change course when she shook her head in denial. He could feel Andy's stare bore into him as he took his seat but she mercifully kept her comments to herself.

Was he doomed to fall under the charm of women who didn't want him? He didn't think asking for some sense of normalcy in his life was that big a deal. Okay, so he probably wouldn't know the first thing about living a normal life. Still, he was a moderately intelligent guy so figuring it out should be easy.

_Just admit it Swarek: you don't really want Lindsay Drake, you're just smarting over McNally's continual rejection and you're trying to make her jealous._

There was some truth to that. He was glad to see Andy fuming at every overture he made towards Lindsay and he sure as hell was still pissed that she continually treated him like yesterday's trash. But he couldn't honestly say his interest in the leggy blonde was only to force Andy's hand… What a bloody mess.

"Alright," Lindsay said breaking into his thoughts, "with that out of the way, we'll just start with a quick introduction so Officers Swarek and McNally don't have to say 'Hey you with the red shirt' or 'Yeah you with the purple hair'. You can just state your name and age unless you feel ready to share your story."

"I thought you said you'd get the ball rolling Ms. D?" Kerry said before blowing a bubble with her chewing gum.

"I will unless someone wants to go forward first. And would you mind not doing that?"

"What, that?" Kerry asked, blowing another bubble.

"Yes, that Kerry; it's distracting for one thing, it's loud, and some of us are a little jumpy at unexpected noises," Lindsay explained calmly but firmly.

Kerry heaved an exaggerated sigh, but Sam saw she still complied with Lindsay's rule. "I might as well go first since Ms. D already said my name. I'm Kerry Morgan and I'm almost sixteen."

"If you consider 9 months being almost there," snickered the next seat's occupant. Sam recognized the girl who'd made the various cop remarks earlier.

"Shut up geezer," Kerry mouthed back.

"Girls, that's enough…" There was no mistaking the subtle warning in Lindsay's warm tone and both teenagers were smart enough to take notice and stop their bickering.

"I'm Beth and I'm nineteen," said the girl Kerry had called 'Geezer'. Sam surmised she'd gotten the nickname because she was one of the eldest of the group.

"I'm Kris and I'm seventeen," said the petite blonde in the next seat.

"Am I the only one with a last name or what?" Kerry asked out of nowhere.

Sam fought back a grin and focused on the floor until he had it back under control but the long-suffering look in Lindsay's eyes when he looked up again reduced all his efforts to nothing and he coughed to hide his laugh.

"I'm Cathy Kormick and I just turned eighteen," said the next girl in the circle. "My mom and I decided to come here after my stepfather hit us one time too many…"

"Is your mother here tonight?" Lindsay asked with a touch of concern.

Cathy nodded. "Yeah, we decided not to participate in the same groups because there were things I didn't feel right saying in front of her, and there are things she doesn't want me to hear – because apparently she doesn't think I know all he did to her."

"Maybe because you _don't_ know all of it," Beth said with a lot more insight than Sam would have thought her capable. "I always made sure people never knew just how bad it really got. It was bad enough they even had an idea of what was happening…"

That statement bothered Sam even though he heard it more often than he cared for in his line of work – or maybe it bothered him _because_ he heard it so often. If he stopped to wonder how many broken lives could have been spared if that wall of shame hadn't been there to protect the abuser, he would probably turn to the bottle as surely as Tommy McNally had.

"Are you okay Sam?"

Of course, Andy would pick that moment to break her obstinate silence and ask if he was okay. The woman had a knack for picking the worst moments to ask her questions! It was on the tip of his tongue to lie and say everything was perfect but he knew she wouldn't buy it because she knew about Sarah.

"I'll be better the moment I get out of here," he answered caustically, making sure to keep his voice low enough for her ears only.

Andy nodded and diverted her attention back to the presentations just in time to see all eyes fall on her. Apparently, they expected her to decline her identity as well. "I'm Officer Andy McNally and I'm 24 and this is my first year on the force."

"So miss rookie, you're probably sitting there thinking we're pretty stupid to have put up with abuse, seeing as you're a woman cop and all," Beth glowered.

"No not at all. I think you're very brave to have gotten yourselves out of there. Just like I think it takes a lot of guts to admit you need someone."

"No need to talk down to us," Kerry muttered.

"I wasn't," Andy stammered, looking to Sam for help.

"You ladies seem to think my partner had a rosy life and that, because she's a cop at the tender age of 24, she can't relate to you." Sam enunciated each world slowly, looking at Beth and Kerry alternatively. "Trust me when I say that if someone in this room can relate, it's probably her. She may not have grown up with a violent father, but she had her own set of challenges. And she knows the value of asking for help because she did that when she shot and killed someone in the exercise of her functions."

Sam felt the weight of Lindsay's eyes on him but kept his attention on both teenagers until he saw the aggression fade from their stance and their eyes shifted away from his. Only then did he turn his head to see her studying him and Andy carefully. He'd probably revealed too much with his little spiel, but at least Andy was safe from further attacks.

"What about you? Have you ever asked for help?" came tentatively from the girl Sam had called a survivor – what had Lindsay called her already? Whitney?

"Yeah, I've asked for help though probably not as often as I should have," Sam acknowledged with a snicker. "But that's because when I joined, things were a little different. And really, it wasn't all that long ago – just eight years – but you didn't get the luxury to talk to a shrink after a particularly gruesome day like we do now."

"Like you ever do," Andy chimed in. "I'm bad-ass Swarek, I don't need to waste my time lying down on a couch," she added in a mock gravelly voice that was supposed to represent him.

Sam stretched his legs in front of him and crossed his feet at the ankle in a relaxed pose belied by his fiery expression. "Next time, remind me to let you fight your own battles McNally."

"Did I hit a nerve?" she asked sweetly.

The look Sam aimed at her promised retribution and Andy knew she'd pay in spades, but at least when Sam was mad at her, he wasn't worrying about hearing horror stories. With any luck, he'd thank her when all was said and done.

"Are you guys like…together-together?"

The question, asked very quietly by the girl sitting two seats to his left, hit Sam just as hard as a fist to his solar plexus. He fought to keep his relaxed attitude in place, but inside his mind was whirling with questions: would she have asked that question of any male/female partners or was it very specifically about him and Andy? Was the situation getting so out of hand that he could no longer hide his feelings for his rookie, even from traumatized teenagers?

"No we're not; why would you ask that?" Andy's curiosity sounded so genuine that Sam wondered if she really could be this oblivious – or that good of an actor.

"It's because of the way you bicker like an old married couple, right Val?" a second teen chimed in when the first girl – Val apparently – didn't answer.

"Me I would have said it was because of the way they keep looking at each other when they don't think anyone can see," Cathy interjected with her own theory.

Sam didn't like either options because it confirmed his sinking suspicion that they had indeed been targeted by the innocent-sounding question. It wouldn't be long before everyone else started questioning their relationship; and Best would have questions of his own…

No. Sam refused to let that happen – he wouldn't let a stain appear on Andy's jacket – so that left him with only one solution: he had to ask to be partnered with someone else the minute they got back to the barn.

"Okay girls, let's get back on track here," Lindsay jumped in when other theories started to pop up around the circle. "Megan, I believe it was your turn," she prompted the teen sitting beside Sam.

The girl – Megan Sam repeated mentally in order to remember the name and associate it with the face – had long dark blonde hair, but he couldn't tell the color of her eyes from his position since she wasn't looking directly at him.

"I'm Megan Foxx – and you can all forget the jokes, I think I heard them all already. I'm seventeen and a senior in high school."

The certitude came out of nowhere, but Sam already knew her story would include rape and comments made by her attacker about her namesake – the hot American actress with the alluring figure and sexy attitude. He looked at Lindsay for added confirmation but her attention was on the young girl who'd asked about his and Andy's relationship, prompting Sam to look at her too.

"I'm Valentina but everyone calls me Val . I'm fourteen years old and I'm homeschooled." She looked at the floor the entire time she spoke and her voice was just as shy now as it had been earlier.

There were only two girls left.

"My name is Narine Gazanian and I'm sixteen years old."

"And my name is Whitney Stone. I'm seventeen but will be eighteen in three months."

Sam tensed in his chair, not knowing exactly what to expect next. Were the girls just expected to talk about their situation every time they met or was this more of a 'say it as you feel it' kind of group?

"Sam, you're frowning and that just makes you look mean," Andy whispered in his ear. "So may I suggest you tone down the glower before you scare them all into hiding?"

She had a point. Just like Sarah needed him to alter his personality around her, so did those girls. At least he had years of practice at this – not that practice ever made it any easier on him. Exhaling slowly, Sam centered himself and forced a blank expression on his face.

"Well now it's time for me to own up to my words," Lindsay said casually with a smile on her lips, but Sam noticed the tensed set of her shoulders and wondered at it. Her eyes settled on him.

Puzzled and more than a little intrigued, Sam leaned forward in his chair, all his senses focused on Lindsay. When she wet her lips, he knew it wasn't a come-on but rather because her mouth had gone dry. He saw her wipe her hands on her pant legs nervously, but her face remained as calm and open as any other time she talked to her group.

"My name is Lindsay Drake and I'm twenty-four. I'm still relatively new to – I've only been here two years – but I grew up in Toronto." She looked at Kris and Val and grinned. "I like it here so I'm not going anywhere any time soon, you girls can stop worrying about that."

The grin faded and she turned serious again. "I didn't grow up with my nose in books to get a psych degree so I could counsel victims of violence one day. If anything, it's a small wonder I got that degree at all…"

"Why's that Ms. D?" Sam was thankful Kerry asked the question for him.

"Because by the time I was Valentina's age, I had already been living on the street for six months," Lindsay admitted quietly, her eyes intent on Sam. "You see girls I know exactly where each and every one of you comes from, because I've been there myself. I grew up with a drug-addicted mother who overdosed when I was eight and my father… let's just say he was _never_ a gentle man."

Sam didn't want to know. He didn't want to hear in just how many ways her father had failed to be gentle with her, but the expression in her eyes told him anyways.

_Son of a bitch…_

"I finally had enough of home and I left even though I had nowhere to go. I was young and stupid enough to think I'd already seen hell so being on my own would be a piece of cake. I kept on thinking that for about one more week, and then winter came."

A far-away expression entered her eyes and Sam knew she was back there, a cold and lonely thirteen-year-old on the mean streets of Toronto…trying her best to survive. He already knew she hadn't gone back to her father, so where _had _she gone?

"I had to learn quickly but once I figured out where the good spots to get food were and where the buildings provided better shelter against the wind, snow and rain… well it got better. Except I was lonely and after a year of this life, I figured I'd give home another shot and that my dad would have seen the error of his ways and welcome me back with open arms."

"But he didn't huh?" Whitney asked softly.

"Oh, I bet he took her back – with more than just open arms," Beth said harshly.

"You're both wrong, and you're both right at the same time. He took me back – not without calling me a dirty little slut first – and for a while things were almost bearable. He wasn't touching me anymore at least."

"So what changed?" Megan enquired with a quiver in her voice.

"My body," Lindsay stated matter-of-factly. "I was fifteen by then and my dad and his drinking buddies _really_ took notice." There was a small catch in her voice and Sam found himself wanting to go back in time and bash her father's head in.

"Oh God, Ms. D… Did he, did they?" Kerry choked out for once not as loud. Lindsay nodded, unaware or uncaring of the silent tears tracking down her cheeks.

He couldn't do this. There was no way he could sit stoically while she recalled the way her dad… _Shit! _He couldn't even think the whole sentence without wanting to throw up.

"Tell me the bastard's name," Sam growled between clenched teeth. He hadn't known he was about to ask.

Lindsay smiled through her tears. "What's that gonna change Sam?"

"What's that..." Sam realized he was shouting and had to rein in his anger before continuing. "What's that gonna change, Linds? Is that what you want your girls to get out of your story?"

He knew he'd hit the mark with his question but got no pleasure out of seeing her wince. He'd thought her too young and innocent to be a counsellor here… what he wouldn't give to have been right about that now.

"If I tell you his name, you have to promise you won't touch him," Lindsay said in a hushed voice Sam had to strain to hear.

"You can't be protecting that guy, Lindsay. Did you even report what he did to you?" He didn't need her answer because it was all there in the way she suddenly avoided his eyes and in her silence.

Sam stood and walked purposefully to the opposite side of the circle, aware all eyes were on him. He wanted to shake Lindsay so badly he shook with it, but he only jammed his fists in his pockets and stopped a foot away from her seat.

"Why Lindsay? Why won't you tell me his name?"

"Because you can't touch him, no one can."

"Try me…"

Lindsay finally looked at him. "Martin Drake. My father's name is Martin and he works for…"

"Anton Hill," Sam finished for her.


	11. Chapter 11

Lindsay didn't know who was more surprised by Sam's announcement: her or Andy McNally. Okay so Anton Hill was a big fish in a big pond, so it made sense Sam Swarek would know him; but Martin Drake was essentially a 'nobody' – one of Anton Hill's henchmen. Not even his right-hand man. Just a small-time crook who got off on being associated with power and money...

_Mostly power._

Lindsay roused from her unpleasant trip down memory lane by Andy McNally's anxious voice. "Sam, where are you going?"

"I'm gonna nail that son of a bitch," Sam ground out haltingly never slowing his stride.

"Get serious for a minute, you don't even know he's involved," Andy turned to Lindsay to ask. "Was Anton Hill one of your dad's drinking buddy?"

"What? No. My father's not exactly high on the food chain even after fifteen years in Hill's employ so you can only imagine the way it was nine years ago..."

"See?" Andy turned to Sam only to see him disappear out the door. "Bloody idiot," she swore under her breath before she ran after him. "Sam, stop!" Of course, he didn't – which she hadn't really expected him to. "Alright go ahead. Go back to Toronto and try to pin this on Hill with no corroborating evidence; I mean after all, you like seeing that son of a bitch walk free."

_Oh boy! That was the absolute worst thing to say McNally..._

She watched Sam turn back and stalk angrily towards her but she stood her ground and refused to let him see how intimidated she felt... even when he stood right in her face.

"The only reason Hill walked free in the first place is because you burned me, rook."

"And the only reason he's _still_ free is because you valued Emily's life more than you hated him," Andy added with a bravado she was light-years from feeling.

Sam's eyes glittered like diamond. "What do you want from me McNally? You want me to let him walk, is that it?"

"Damn it Sam, he's got nothing to do with any of this! Lindsay's father did this to her: not Anton Hill, not Charles Manson... her _father_. If you need to go after somebody so bad, go after him and leave Hill alone."

"I can flip him Andy, I know I can. I get to Drake and I can get him to lead me to Hill."

"Oh yeah? How; by threatening him with bodily harm or no, better yet, by promising him a lighter sentence?"

"Who cares," Sam shouted angrily, "as long as it lands us Hill?"

"I don't know for sure but I'd venture Lindsay Drake might care," Andy snapped back angrily. "I can't imagine how I'd feel if the man who brutally raped me got a slap on the wrist and walked free after repeatedly abusing me – all so some gung-ho cop could finally catch his white whale."

Sam staggered back under her verbal attack as if she'd actually physically struck him. "Oh God, what the hell am I doing?" Sam whispered in a voice laced with pain and self-loathing.

"You don't think straight when Hill is involved, that's why you've got me to have your back, Sam. You'll get him someday, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow; but you'll get him on charges that'll actually stick."

She was right of course and Sam knew it; but right now, he was holding on to his anger with all his might, afraid of what would happen without that emotional buffer.

"Sam, look at me."

Sam tried to put as much contempt in his stare as he could muster but the gentle empathy in Andy's brown eyes made quick work of it and to his utter shame, he felt his eyes tear up. Swallowing a vicious curse, he turned his back to her and hoped she didn't notice.

"Do you have any idea how proud I am of you right now Sam Swarek?" Andy asked so softly he wasn't sure he'd heard her correctly. "I can't even begin to imagine how hard it was for you to sit in that room, seeing Sarah in every one of those girls looking back at you..."

Andy was pretty certain Sam wasn't even aware of the small choking sound that ripped from his throat at the mention of his sister, and the pain radiating from him tore at her tender heart. She reached a tentative hand and placed it on the bunched muscles of his forearm.

"For a minute there, I saw the man who walked into the locker room to make sure I was okay after my first kill, except you were even gentler than you had been that night which I never would have thought possible," Andy continued, moving slightly closer.

Sam tried to swallow past the lump in his throat without much success. He had to find a way to shut her up because she was killing him with her kindness.

"You're always there for me when I'm at my most vulnerable, even when you're mad at me and have every reason to be... Let me return the favour tonight, Sam."

"Are you offering me a pity fuck McNally?" Sam flinched mentally at the insult.

"That's not going to work, you know. You can try to be as crass as you want, don't think for a minute I don't know you're hurting Sam. I heard Lindsay's story but I was watching you... I saw how every word found its mark, right down to the fact she'd been thirteen when..."

"Shut up, Andy," he'd meant to be insulting, but it came out as a broken plea.

Andy trailed her hand down his forearm and covered his fingers with hers. "You don't always have to be strong Sam," she whispered softly. "I won't think any less of you if you let go of your armour. You won't be less than a man in my eyes..."

With a small animal cry, Sam turned around and crushed her in his arms, his big body wracked with repressed sobs he absolutely refused to let loose.

"I'm here Sammy, it's going to be okay," Andy crooned softly, her eyes filling with tears. Without conscious thought, her hand traveled up his back in a soothing caress and came to rest on the back of his neck.

Sam shivered at the contact and tightened his hold on Andy, bringing her body flush with his. It felt so good to hold her, to be held by her. "I need you," he whispered brokenly before his lips swooped down and claimed hers.


	12. Chapter 12

I know this chapter is somewhat short - MUCH shorter than the previous one - but I am taking part in NaNoWriMo this month so my time is divided between writing a 50K words novel in a month and trying to update this fanfic for you. So please forgive me if the chapters are shorter in order to still be able to meet all my deadlines and still keep you updated.

I hope you enjoy and thank you all for your support and kind reviews. They mean the world to me.

* * *

_This is what I've hoped to achieve all along..._

That thought alone should have alarmed Andy if it hadn't thrilled her this much to finally admit it to herself. She liked kissing Sam Swarek, hell maybe she was even halfway in love with him… All she knew was that something that felt this right could never be wrong… maybe wrong for her, but tonight she truly didn't care. Because tonight wasn't about her and her needs; tonight was all about him. For once, someone needed _her_ to be strong, to be his port of attach in the raging storm…

That sense of purpose was just as much of a high as the urgency and desperation in Sam's embrace; well, maybe not nearly as much… By God, the man could kiss!

Andy threaded her fingers through Sam's hair and rose onto her toes to get closer to him, parting her lips in a silent invite to deepen the kiss. She let out a contented sigh when he did just that and his tongue touched hers.

Still, this wasn't nearly enough. She wanted his big hands molding her body to his, not just to feel his arms banding around her. She needed something more than just a stolen embrace in a darkened parking lot.

In a sudden moment of clarity, Andy realized that, above all else, she needed Sam Swarek's love, plain and simple. Her heart had known all along that he was it for her, even if he offered her no security and no commitment. He'd never be safe and dependable like Luke… but then again, for being dependable, Luke had never been the one there for her in her times of crisis: Sam had.

_Sam had…_

"Sam…" Andy moaned softly against his lips and pushed her body squarely into his, forcing him backwards until his back met the cold brick wall. She barely felt her knuckles scraping against the unyielding surface as she became the pursuer and this time initiated the kiss. She molded her lips to his and flicked her tongue along the seam of his lips, tasting, teasing…

She felt his response to her initiative and this emboldened her even further. Her tongue delved inside his mouth as she started to trail her hands down his chest, dragging her clipped nails against the thin material of his black muscle shirt. His male groan and full-bodied shiver made her feel all powerful and feminine at the same time. This was such a heady feeling.

"God, Andy…"

She smiled at the unmistakable huskiness of his voice. This time would be different from the last. There would be no lights coming back on to scare her away, no phone call to call her back from the edge. There was just here and now, with this man.

_I choose you Sam._

She tried to speak the words out but they remained trapped inside her head. For all her newfound assertiveness, it was just a tad too tough for Andy to open herself up emotionally so instead she decided to show him in as many ways as she could possibly conceive of.

Her fingers met Sam's belt… but that was a bit too forward. Instead, she pulled the hem of his shirt from his pants and slipped her hands underneath, rediscovering the fine texture of his skin. Only then, the unthinkable happened: Sam pushed her away.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

Andy blinked in confusion and stared at Sam. "I thought that was obvious," she stammered feeling herself blush.

"Oh it was… though the reason you were doing it is still a bit murky. Do you really miss Callaghan that much or did you just want to find out how good this bad boy can get?"

Andy recoiled under his words before reminding herself this was Sam's defense mechanism talking and not really him. "There you go trying to insult me into running away again."

There was a hard edge to Sam's laughter. "Newsflash McNally, you run away without the insults so why would I even bother?"

Okay that barb hurt, Andy thought miserably trying to fight back the tears welling at his harsh words. Maybe she'd had it coming with how many times she'd pushed him away; but then again… she didn't have to put up with that kind of abuse, did she?

Confusion warred with anger; and for a minute, rage won the battle. "Oh yeah I forgot: you're the poster boy for commitment and reliability, Swarek. How old are you… 32? Still, I don't see anyone serious in your life; why could that be?"

This time, Andy was the one moving forward and getting in his face. "So don't you dare talk to me about running scared; you could probably teach me a few tricks I don't even know."

"There are plenty of new tricks I could teach you McNally." Sam's voice dropped to a sexy undertone that indicated his sexual innuendoes. "…If I were interested that is."

"Who do you think you're fooling? You're plenty interested," Andy replied with a bravado she hadn't known she possessed. As if to prove her point, she molded her hips to his.

Sam shrugged carelessly. "Just because I want to have sex with you doesn't mean I'm _interested_ in you. I'm not really into that whole hearts-and-flowers schoolgirl routine of yours."

"Hearts and flowers… you must have me confused with someone else because that's not exactly how I recall it. Let me refresh your memory…" Andy put her hands flat on his upper chest and pushed him so that his back hit the side of the building with enough force to slam the breath out of his lungs. "I pinned you against the wall, right there in your hallway, and I kissed you. It wasn't a shy kiss either; it was deep and passionate…"

"And desperate," Sam hissed under his breath.

"Tell me this: who's desperate to escape now, Sammy?"


	13. Chapter 13

You did the right thing Swarek. Except it didn't feel good to know that; in fact he felt pretty lousy about the whole damn thing.

He'd been so certain she'd push him away that he'd forced himself to relinquish his hold on her, to preserve what was left of his heart and sanity by sending her running to Callaghan – the better man. But the way Andy had looked at him, the things she'd said to him… What if he'd been wrong? What if she'd been ready to stay this time? Was it too late now?

Why was he still doing this to himself when it no longer mattered? It had taken until tonight for him to realize just how damaged he was inside. That was so ironic when you looked at it really. For decades he'd looked at Sarah and seen what the attack had taken from her: her youth, her innocence, her laughter…

He'd heard her cry that she'd never have a family of her own because she'd never be able to trust anyone long enough to let them get close to her – that was before Nate had come and bulldozed his way into her life; literally. Sarah had hired him as a contractor when she'd decided to remodel her house and the rest as they say was history.

His sister had moved past her tragedy and, with the help of her loving husband, she was now learning to deal with everyday life. Yes, she still had miles to go but already she'd made visible progress. He on the other hand wasn't faring that good it seemed.

It had taken this trip to St. Catharines for him to face the truth – he'd let himself become a victim of his sister's circumstances and had used them as a reason to keep people at arm's length. All his whining about being used for his body and constantly being left behind; that was all on him, because that was all he ever offered of himself.

"Sam… can we talk?"

He'd been so certain she had left that the sound of her voice made him jump nearly out of his own skin. He looked around for her and found her leaning against a broken lamppost a few feet away.

"I don't know if talking is going to be enough or will fix any of this… fix me."

"We've tried the other way and it hasn't solved anything either; if anything it probably made things all that much worse. So that's not exactly like we have something to lose."

"If the crap I just flung at you didn't make you run, I guess you're right about that. I'm sorry Andy."

"I know you are, Sammy so for this once, I'll let it slide and we can pretend it never happened. But keep in mind that was a one-time deal. You don't get to talk to me that way ever again after tonight so I hope you got it all out of your system."

Sam smiled sadly. She might not know it herself, but that woman had so much guts it scared him at times. "That won't ever happen again Andy, I promise."

Andy nodded and sat down on the ground, her back braced on the concrete base of the parking lamp. She closed her eyes and it looked to Sam as though she was trying to gather her courage; which meant he probably didn't want to hear any of what she had to say, but he would still let her talk anyway.

"I meant to say something earlier but I ran scared and just kinda let the moment go. But I think you deserve to hear those words out loud. It's possible you don't want to hear them or couldn't care less one way or the other but…"

"Andy, just come out and say it."

She opened her eyes and stared straight into his. "I choose you, Sam." She uttered the words so softly they were only a whisper in the wind, yet they slammed into Sam's heart with the force of a Mack truck. "I was wrong to assume Luke was more dependable than you, that he'd be there for me in the long haul."

"Don't delude yourself Andy, Callaghan is a better man than I will ever be; even I know that. I wouldn't count on me most days."

"I didn't think you could say anything stupider than ham-bulance; but apparently you can. You're different than Luke, but no less a good man than he is. Hell, who was there for me when I killed another human being: Luke or you?"

Sam said nothing.

"Yeah, that was you because Luke had volunteered to work the scene because it was such a big case."

"So he messed up that one time; I do it all the time. Look at the way I blew up tonight. I'm not safe Andy – it's possible I'm not even sane!"

Andy shrugged. "So what: you have to be a little insane to become a cop in the first place."

"You need someone you can depend on, who can be there for you and not just physically but emotionally too. I'm not that man. Maybe I could have been if things had been different… if Sarah and I had grown up the way we were meant to…"

"But that Sam might not have become a cop, and he probably wouldn't be half the man you are today because what happened to Sarah, what you all lived through, made you into who you are now."

"A broken shell of a man who hides behind a thick wall of armor with rusted spots that let pain in?"

Andy shook her head and smiled softly. "You can be so silly, Sam. You're not a broken shell, you're a little battered and bruised and you don't trust easily – not unlike these kids in there – but you've got a good heart and you care about people. At times you may care about them too much for your own peace of mind."

"That's just it Andy. I care, but I don't know if I care the right way or if I can allow people to return those feelings without me pushing them away. The way I tried to do with you just now."

"You don't have any practice at it so might not come naturally to you, but no one is born meant to live their life alone and no one is shaped into that way of life either. We all need human contact, we all need to love and be loved back."

"You're willing to bet your happiness on that? Because if you choose me and I can't be that man you think I am; then you'll have pushed Callaghan away all for nothing."

"I love you Sam; that's not 'nothing' to me."

"God Andy, you scare the living hell out of me woman. I don't know that I'm ready for love just yet…" Sam knew he was walking a fine line that could cost him Andy; but he wouldn't lie to her. He couldn't lie to her.

"Then we'll take it slow and you let me know when you're ready Sam."

"What happens if I'm never ready?"

"That won't happen," Andy told him.

"Humor me. What happens if I can't accept that love and return it the way you deserve?"

"I don't know Sam. All I know is I have to try or I'll spend the rest of my life wondering what could have been."


	14. Chapter 14

Lindsay slipped back inside, unnoticed.

_You knew this was a long shot even before you told him your story_. But she'd still toyed with the idea of having a man like Sam Swarek for herself. Now she knew better, so she could put away those silly schoolgirl dreams and really concentrate on her duties to her little protégées.

Telling her story hadn't been easy but it had been the right thing to do if only to show her girls there was life after brutality; but Sam had brought up a few valid points while he was at it. She couldn't let her father walk unscathed and expect her girls to denounce their attackers; which meant she had to go out there at some point and tell him and his partner that she wanted to press charges.

Maybe the statute of limitation had already passed and Martin Drake would still walk free, but at least she'd still be able to look herself in the mirror and know she was still a mentor to these people, a role model of sorts.

"Ms. D?"

"What is it Kerry?"

"Nothing; I just wanted to make sure you were okay because you left pretty fast back there and the girls were kinda worried… So was I."

Lindsay felt her eyes well up with tears but pushed them back bravely. She walked towards Kerry and put a light hand on the teenager's shoulder. "I'll be okay; we'll all be okay Kerry. I had to face a few facts I had avoided looking and I needed a minute on my own to do that."

"Like asking the cops to leave your dad alone?"

"Yeah exactly like that. I've been spending so many years putting him behind me that I didn't realize I was still letting him run the show from the shadows."

"So you told them to catch the bastard and put him in a jail cell with a big guy called Bubbah?"

Lindsay had to laugh at Kerry's mean streak. "I still have to talk to them but yeah, that's the general idea."

"That guy your father works for, is he like a mob lord or something?"

"Let's just say he's a bad dude and leave it at that shall we?"

"Well looks like Mr. Bad-ass cop has bad blood with him so I'd say chances are very good he'll only be too happy to go after your dad, especially if he can have a go at that bad dude."

"You're a smart girl Kerry; don't ever let what happened to you stand in your way."

"I'm not letting anything or anyone get in my way ever again," Kerry said with a combative glint in her eyes. "I'm going to make something of myself, just like you did Ms. D. Maybe I can even help other people the way you're doing now."

"Whatever you choose to be, I know you'll be great at it and you'll do it in a way that's best suited to you. I have no fear for you whatsoever. There's just one thing though: don't push everyone at arm's length in order to protect yourself because the only thing you'll accomplish is to be all alone in the world with no one to help you when you need them."

"You didn't need anyone, so I can do that too."

"You're wrong about that Kerry. I needed someone to help me, but I was too dumb to realize it at the time and now it's too late because I have forgotten how to trust people and let them close to me. Don't do that to yourself because life… that's a very long time when you're all alone in the world."

Kerry turned to look at her. "You're not alone Ms D. You've got me and the girls, and you're still young enough to find someone."

"I loved the small hesitation before the word young," Lindsay smirked. "Thank you for being there for me, it means a lot Ker. But you girls all have your lives and they're going to take you away from – and it's alright, this is the way things are supposed to evolve – and I'll still be here with some other girls to help. That's not a bad life, just not one I'd wish on you or anyone else."

"Then what are you gonna do about that?" Kerry asked, looking over Lindsay's shoulder as she said it. Lindsay turned around and saw Sam Swarek walk in trailed by Officer McNally. "You know, we all noticed the way he looks at her, but I saw the way you looked at him back in the room and I say if you want him, you should go for it."

"Kerry Morgan!"

"What? He's a lil too old for my taste but still not bad looking. Plus he looks like he knows a thing or two… about life and all you know?"

Lindsay shook her head and groaned. "You young lady have a wild imagination and a mouth that refuses to quit…"

"Yup and I also usually happen to be right and say out loud what other people think to themselves," she grinned.

"Well as you so aptly pointed out, you all noticed the way he looks at his partner."

"And we all heard them say they were only partners and not together. I might not have bought that line, but still I don't see a ring on her finger, do you?" She looked pointedly at Andy McNally's bare hand. "Just gives you something more to think about, no?" Kerry grinned and left Lindsay standing alone in the hallway with her confusing thoughts as company… and Swarek walking towards her.

"Lindsay, could I have a word with you if I promise not to glower and act like a raving lunatic?"

It was on the tip of her tongue to let him know she'd probably have had a word with him even under those conditions but it felt safer to let that go unsaid. "Of course."

"Do you have somewhere a little more private than this hallway?" At Lindsay's arched brow, Sam realized what he'd said and how it might have sounded to her. "Unless you're more comfortable standing out in the open..."

"Officer Swarek," it seemed a good idea to distance herself from him at least in her mind, "I wasn't afraid to be with you in a closed space before you knew my story; my circumstances have not changed since then."

Sam rubbed his hand down the back of his neck. "I'm not handling this well, I'm sorry Lindsay."

He looked so uncomfortable that Lindsay took pity on him. "Is my office okay?" she asked pointing four doors down the hallway. "It's away from the meeting room and the exit so that should be more private."

"That would be perfect," Sam nodded before turning to his partner. "I'll see you inside in a bit."

Lindsay had fully expected Officer McNally to come with them but she said nothing and instead walked to her office before she could hear what Andy had to say. She wished to hell she hadn't walked in on their little heart-to-heart out on the parking lot because now every conversation felt stilted and forced – at least to her.

She sat in her chair and waited for Sam to join her, which he did only a few seconds later. The way he stood by the door told her he felt as uncomfortable as she did although she highly doubted it was for the same reason.

"Why don't you have a seat Sam?"

"I won't keep you from your girls for long but I wanted to apologize for the way I acted in there. Maybe I should have done that out there in front of the group since I embarrassed you in front of them…" He obviously hadn't considered that angle before if the way his sentence dwindled into nothingness was any indication.

"You didn't do anything wrong. You called it right when you said I was doing exactly what I advise these girls not to do: protecting my assailant."

"Well yes I was right about that but I could have told you that when you were alone and not in front of all of them."

"That wasn't my brightest moment but it served to illustrate I'm human and just like them: I make the same mistakes they do and sometimes someone needs to shake some sense in to me. Tonight, you were the one to do it."

"Did I really do it? Will you press charges against your father?"

Lindsay nodded reluctantly. "Unless the statute of limitation keeps me from doing that."

"Don't back down now Linds," Sam said softly. "You really think I'd have brought this up if there was nothing we could do about it?"

"Probably not..."

"Damn right. There is no statute of limitation on sexual assault in Ontario so you are entirely in your right to press charges. I'm not gonna lie to you: it won't be easy to prove it happened because that was so many years ago and it will end up being a case of he said/she said if this goes to court…"

"I know," Lindsay said softly as she looked anywhere but at him.

"Look at me Linds." That scene reminded him of the way he'd had to coax his sister to look at him earlier that evening. Would he have to do that again tonight?

Lindsay took a deep breath and raised her eyes to his.

"You won't be alone, I promise you that. I'll be there and we'll make sure he pays for what he did to you."

"Why are you doing this Sam; because my dad might lead you to Anton Hill?"

"I'll admit that thought crossed my mind, but I was reminded there were more important things at stake here than just catching the son of a bitch so, if I get him I'll be happy; but it won't be the end of the world if he walks."

"Do you always get this invested in all your cases?"

Sam squirmed in his seat. "That doesn't happen too often anymore," he admitted reluctantly. "But this one feels personal to me."

"Why?"

"Because what happened to you also happened to someone I care about. Well not exactly what happened to you but… someone I know was raped when she was as young as you were and there was nothing I could do to help her."

"So you want to help me to make up for that?"

"Maybe…" Now it was Sam's turn to avoid looking at her.

"Sam, look at me."

She waited for his dark sorrowful eyes to come to rest on her but he stubbornly refused to look at her, instead settling his gaze on her desk. Every muscle in his body was tense, all the way to his clenched jaw. Lindsay circled her desk and knelt in front of Sam, forcing him to look at her.

"I just met you today, still I know enough about you to realize you wouldn't sit idly by and do nothing when someone you cared about was brutally assaulted." She saw him gulp and softened her voice even more. "Who was she Sam?"

"My sister," he finally croaked in a broken whisper.

Lindsay wasn't prepared for the pain that ripped at her chest when a single tear rolled down his cheek unchecked. She reached up tentatively and cradled his cheek, wiping the tear away with the pad of her thumb. "How old were you when that happened?"

Sam jerked his head away and ran a weary hand down his face effectively shutting her from his line of sight. Lindsay got the message loud and clear and stepped back behind her desk.

"I was nine when Sarah was attacked," he finally offered. "We usually went to the park together but I was sick with the chicken pox and Sarah went with some of her friends. She was walking back home on her own when these older kids jumped her."

Lindsay closed her eyes as Sam's words brought back the memory of her own fear and panic in a similar situation.

"She's never gotten over that, I mean how do you get over that?"

"One day at a time. You have to learn to let go of the guilt first; that was the hardest part for me. I blamed myself for having gone back to my father's, for trusting he'd finally keep me safe; it was that blame that kept me rooted in place, unable to move forward."

"But it wasn't your fault; not anymore than it was Sarah's fault."

"You know that and I realize that now, but maybe your sister is resistant to that notion. It's possible her mind keeps telling her if she hadn't gone without you, or if she had asked some girlfriends to walk with her, or if she'd just took the long way home instead of cutting through the park that day…"

"Then how do I help her get past that?"

"You can't Sam; that's something she has to do on her own. You can only lead her so far, the rest is entirely up to her."


End file.
